How will you know when your career is dead? The truth is, you won’t, at least not all at once. Most likely it will take time; periods of employment punctuated by periods of unemployment. With each period of unemployment, you cycle through a series of emotional ups and downs in search of answers to questions like “why me” or “what’s going on?” or “could it be over?” or “what will I do if it is?” 

These emotional ups and downs will fall into five basic categories that will appear as signposts along the way.  These signposts will go underground with each new job and will resurface each time that job ends.  These signposts are markers on our journey toward the inevitable understanding that things do change, even great things. 

The entertainment industry is about imagery, mythology, and illusion. Those of us who work in the business get wrapped up in these mirages. (Even though we pretend not to) When we have success, we delude ourselves into believing it will last forever.  We invest in that belief.  It serves our lifestyle, self-image, spending habits, position in the pecking order, and sense of being invincible and on top of the world.  

I have probably been unemployed about a bazillion times during my career and even with all that practice, I never got used to it. Finishing a job was always hard, unemployment even harder. I had a habit of calling this unemployed condition various things like between jobs, (I loved this one. It implied I’d just finished one and had already booked the next) hiatus, (this was good too because it sounded like everyone was off, including me, so we could all party with impunity) working on developing something, (very vague but at least implied that I was creative and achieving something) canceled, (this one happened a lot. I never liked saying it because it implied that by association those who worked on the show, me included, were too inept to figure out how to make the show work). And the list goes on and on.  

The truth is that when each job ended I was always confronted by two paradoxical sets of feelings: exhilaration and dread.  Exhilaration at finishing, a job well done, free time, a life for a change, vacation, rest, money in the bank, and maybe a bit of laundry. The other side, the dread, was less clear, a disease just under the surface, uncomfortable, lurking, not wanting to be seen. This was always the hard part, not knowing the future, and not understanding the depth and breadth of the feelings that accompanied it.

It’s only now, years after the death of my career and my subsequent change in profession that I have a greater understanding of these feelings and their persistent negative effect on my ability to enjoy my career in general, and the time between jobs in particular.  

I came to this understanding accidentally when I read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s book titled On Death and Dying in which she describes the 5 stages of grief that people can experience when faced with the prospect of their death. In her view, these five stages are the emotional landmarks we face as we grieve for the loss of our life or the life of someone close to us. On hearing these 5 stages I was struck by the similarities between these stages and the different types of feelings I had experienced over and over again as I was faced with the loss of work and on some much deeper level, the fear of the death of my career.  

As freelance workers, we experience varying degrees of these five stages every time we are out of work.  True we aren’t grieving our death. But we are grieving the loss of work and to a much greater degree, the potential death of our career, a career that we may have spent our entire working life honing, nurturing and building. 

We all know or have heard stories of actors who fell off the radar, writers who turned 30 and couldn’t write anymore because they were too old, directors who pissed off some one higher up on the food chain and got dropped from the studio or network list. 

Falling from grace is a Hollywood tradition.  It’s both part of our mythology and our reality.  None of us is immune to it. On some level, with the completion of each job, (if another is not right in the wings) we feel a loss and subconsciously fear that just possibly there will be no job to follow.  We fear and begin grieving for the loss of the career we have trained for and committed to our entire professional life.  As we age these stages may intensify because there may be more at stake: family, kids, responsibilities, and less time to bounce back.

DENIAL:

“ Denial functions as a buffer after unexpected shocking news, it allows the patient to collect himself and, with time, mobilize other, less radical defenses”

EK, On Death and Dying P.52

The first step in this process of coping with this potential loss of lively hood or career is denial.  The shocking event in our case might be any of several events like: getting fired, having our show canceled, being dropped from a network or company list, being dropped by our agent or manager, being perceived suddenly as too old and many others too numerous to mention here without bursting into tears.  Most of us spend a lot of time in this stage. (I certainly did)  Luckily we rarely go further because we are rescued by a blessed call announcing our next job. Yeah! 

This stage is epitomized by age-old clichés like: “Don’t worry, you’ll work again, you always do” or “this is just one of those down cycles, it will turn around” or “Really talented people always work again” or  “Just when your think you’ll never work again, you’ll get the best job ever”.  There’s a kind of lottery mentality at work here. A kind of delusional euphoria that says, “If you buy a ticket surely you will win.”  This denial stage says, “If you’ve worked before you will work again.”  It is extremely comforting. Like a warm quilt on a cold night, it seems to guarantee a kind of predictability in an entirely unpredictable industry. This belief gets us through many rough patches. Fortunately, the chances of this being true are high. Most of us do work again.

But what about those of us who don’t get hired again? What denial doesn’t address is the career that is over. In this case, the denial stage is an attempt to shield us from the inevitable fact that, for whatever reason, we have come to the end of this chapter and we must face facts and move on. Ugh! “But how can I move on and to what? I’ll never make as much money as I do now?  How can I turn my back on a thirty-year career?  How can I face this? I can’t. It can’t be true.” The truth is that it’s hard to see clearly while suspended in this stage. Other stages must be experienced before the truth of what’s happening becomes clear.

“ Denial is usually a temporary defense….”  

EK, On Death and Dying P.53

ANGER:

“ If the first reaction to catastrophic news is, “No, it’s not true, no, it cannot involve me,” this has to give way to a new reaction when it finally dawns on us: “oh, yes it is me (or could be me), it’s not a mistake.”……When this first stage of denial cannot be maintained any longer, it is replaced by feelings of anger, rage, envy, and resentment.” EK, On Death and Dying P.63

So now you’ve been out of work for 6 months.  All the new shows have been booked. You were up for two and interviewed for both. You got neither. Your agent said that they liked you and hoped to work with you sometime in the future but for political reasons had to give the job to someone else. You know the job went to someone younger or cheaper or the producer’s nephew, or they don’t like you but don’t want to admit it, or you’ve made too many enemies, or you’re too soft, or too strong, or not the right color or sex, or maybe things are just drying up or worst of all, maybe there is no reason. “But there has to be a reason! It has to be someone’s fault!” 

Bile rises in your throat and you scream, “I hate this.  I can’t stand it anymore.  Waiting for the phone to ring is killing me. I have no life. I’m at their beck and call. I’ve given up everything for the business and now the business is crapping all over me. Damn the business. Damn those people who said they would take care of me and didn’t. Why isn’t this person or that person helping me?  They said we were family. Yeah right!  I was doing so well and now there’s nothing. What about my pension and health insurance? How will I pay the bills? I can’t believe it’s over! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!”

“Wherever the patient looks at this time he will find grievances…..the anger is displaced in all directions and projected into the environment at times almost at random” EK, On Death and Dying P.64-65

As hard as this stage can be, it can be even more trying for those around us.  We may not be aware of our volatility. Our loved ones may not understand the depth of our hurt and the depth of our loss. They may have advice and suggestions that only add to the flames and exacerbate our resentment and isolation. Quite clearly this is not a very comfortable stage for anyone and eventually gives way to the notion “Wait a minute,  there must be something I can do.”

BARGAINING:

“ The third stage, the stage of bargaining, is less well known but equally helpful to the patient, though only for brief periods.  If we have been unable to face the sad facts in the first period and have been angry at people and god in the second phase, maybe we can succeed in entering into some sort of an agreement which may postpone the inevitable happening” E, On Death and Dying P.93

“If I had only changed agents when I had the chance. Oh God, I never should have told that producer to f— himself.  If I’d done what my manager told me to do. If I hadn’t broken that contract. If I hadn’t demanded that writing credit. If I’d been nicer to this person or that person If I’d just done what they told me to do. Maybe if I promise to work harder and keep my mouth shut. Maybe if I reinvent myself and let them run the show instead of standing up for my creative rights. Maybe if I die my hair, get a face-lift and drop 30 pounds they’ll want me again. Maybe then! Maybe! Maybe If I promise to be good I can have my old life back?”

The bargaining phase is all about trying to manipulate the past to insure a different outcome. Like denial, it is a delusional state base on magical thinking. Time frames collapse on themselves. It seems oddly possible that you can go back when you can’t. “If I had only done this, if I could only do that differently, then everything would be ok again: the phone will start ringing again. I will be back in demand, I’ll get paid again and won’t have to worry about losing my house, I’ll be engaged and fulfilled and back in the game again.”

When my career ended I had a million conversations with myself.  Smothered in self-reproach I regurgitated every mistake I made during my career and tried to amend them all in repetitive conversations with myself.

DEPRESSION:

“ If I were to attempt to differentiate these two kinds of depression, I would regard the first one as reactive depression and the second as preparatory  depression…The second type… does not occur as a result of past loss but is taking into account (and preparing for) impending loss.  EK, On Death and Dying P.98-99

Here’s the bottom.  True, you may have had moments of depression along the way (reaction depression), but this is the big one. The big kahuna! Denial didn’t work. There was no next job. Anger blew off some steam and made you feel better for a while but ultimately yielded no results. And despite a makeover and reinventing yourself and trying to bargain with the universe, you remain without prospects. The truth becomes all too clear and the truth hurts. Your career is toast. You’re through.

This depression is awful. It can be deep, relentless, and prolonged.  It’s uncomfortable, confusing, and messy. It’s a place to experience on a cellular level what it’s like to have something you cared about ripped away from you. It is the place to grieve the loss you are enduring. If you worked for ten, twenty, or even thirty years in this career then the loss of it could be excruciating. 

It may demand that you alter your self-concept. It may deeply affect your sense of self-esteem. It may affect your family, your children, your finances, and a whole raft of other things yet unseen. Lots of stuff gets rearranged in this stage, some of it is conscious and some of it is unconscious. It’s the ground zero in the process of understanding that your career as you knew it is dead. It’s the bottom of the pit. 

“  If he is allowed to express his sorrow he will find a final acceptance much easier, and he will be grateful to those who can sit with him during this stage of depression without constantly telling him not to be sad.”  

EK, On Death and Dying P.99

This is a being place not a doing place.  This is a place to morn.  It’s a place to begin the process of acceptance. There is great value in staying in this place for a while. Although every cell in your body wants to escape. Most of those around you will urge you to move on. By now they are fed up too, can’t stand watching you in pain and are as desperate for relief as you are. 

Kubler-Ross calls this depression a tool to prepare for  impending loss. In my experience, stuck in this mud, yes, it’s a tool to prepare for the loss and, it’s also the mortar for rebuilding the foundation of the life to come.  If you skip over this place, your foundation may need work later. Facing it here will expedite future construction.

ACCEPTANCE:

Acceptance should not be mistaken for the happy stage.  It is almost void of feeling.  It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle over. EK, On Death and Dying P. 124

Okay so, we’re not dead but our career is. Having experienced the four stages preceding acceptance, chances are that much of the emotional volatility has receded to be replaced by a void of open space filled with the question, what next?

In this stage of acceptance we can say it’s gone even when some of those around us still deny it. Here we know what they don’t know. It’s in our bones. Change is coming. We can either remain in the loss’s regret and pain or adapt to our new reality. In adapting there is the hope of renewal and curiosity about how to reclaim a sense of empowerment to prosper in new ways. We are no longer victimized and begin the process of re-building

THE END AND THE BEGINNING

Is it possible that faced with any deep loss, we might experience some of these stages of grief in varying degrees? Losing a loved one, having your house burn or wash away in a flood, making a bad investment or enduring the anguish of a stock market crash, having a miss carriage of an abortion. Is it possible that these stages of grief are generally applicable; almost universal as a part of the human condition? That they are normal and natural and regardless of how painful, are the groundwork and preparation, even the harbinger of the new possibilities that await us. Is it possible that going through these stages cleanses our pallet for a new life, leaving us open and available to new things as yet unimagined? Is it possible that out of this seeming rubble we can reclaim our passion and turn our face and our intent in new directions? Is it possible that here we can begin once again to believe in these immortal words of Leonard Bernstein and believe they are true for us?

 “Something’s coming something great, I don’t know what it is but it is going to be great, around the corner or whistling down the river, come on deliver to me…….”   West Side Story